Good and Bad: How to Be the Right Type of Jealous in a Relationship

There’s no better feeling than being in a loving relationship—finding that person you’ve been searching for, finally hitting your stride together, and feeling like you’re on top of the world. But the work doesn’t stop once you’re “official.” In fact, sometimes, the comfort we feel in a relationship can lead to feelings we didn’t expect, like possessiveness and, eventually, jealousy. While jealousy has a bad reputation, there’s a way to manage it healthily—and it doesn’t mean suppressing how we feel. Instead, it’s about bringing awareness to our emotions and recognizing both the good and bad sides of jealousy.

 

Understanding the “Green-Eyed Monster”

We’ve all heard of Shakespeare’s “green-eyed monster,” but it’s more than just a catchy phrase. Jealousy can feel like a confusing mix of love, fear, possessiveness, and insecurity. It’s a reminder that, as humans, our emotions are complex and don’t always follow a script. In relationships, jealousy can pop up when we least expect it. That doesn’t make us bad partners; it just means we’re invested. Still, knowing how to deal with jealousy in a constructive way is a huge part of emotional intelligence and relational health (Johnson, 2019).

 

Embracing “Good” Jealousy

Believe it or not, there’s such a thing as “good” jealousy. In some cases, a little jealousy can show we care. I’m not the jealous type by nature, but I can think of times when my partner playfully tried to make me a bit jealous by laughing at someone else’s joke or talking about a celebrity crush. When this happens, I’ve learned to respond with humor or give her a little extra attention—it shows that I’m paying attention and that I care.

 

Some researchers suggest that a small dose of jealousy can actually strengthen a relationship by keeping us mindful of our partner’s needs and our own emotional investment (Harris, 2014). This type of healthy jealousy can spark positive connection by reminding us not to take our loved ones for granted. But it’s about balance; good jealousy shouldn’t lead to accusations or attempts to control our partner’s actions.

 

Recognizing “Bad” Jealousy

Of course, when jealousy goes unchecked, it can quickly turn destructive. Bad jealousy arises when we start seeing our partner as a possession rather than a person with their own life. I’ve heard stories about people who couldn’t let their significant others go out with friends or even speak to friends of the opposite sex. This kind of jealousy becomes less about care and more about control, which can cause serious harm to the relationship.

 

For instance, when I notice that old “green-eyed monster” rearing its head because my partner is spending time with friends, I remind myself that she’s her own person. I’ll express my feelings if necessary, but I avoid ultimatums or restrictions. Studies have shown that extreme jealousy is often rooted in our own insecurities rather than our partner’s actions (White & Mullen, 2021). Being upfront about these insecurities, rather than acting out, creates trust and helps prevent misunderstandings.

 

How to Handle Jealousy Healthily

When feelings of jealousy arise, addressing them constructively is key. I’ve found that open, honest communication with my partner works best. If something bothers me, I tell her, but without accusations or expectations. Sometimes, we’ll even come up with small agreements that help reassure each other, like a quick text check-in if one of us is out late with friends. By working together, we’re able to respect each other’s independence while also staying connected.

 

I’ve learned that jealousy is often a sign of how much I value my relationship. But it’s also a reminder to manage my emotions responsibly and show care in a way that brings us closer. Healthy jealousy isn’t about control—it’s about deepening the bond we already have. By acknowledging and addressing these feelings honestly, I’ve come to appreciate the balance of security and freedom in our relationship.

 

References

• Harris, C. R. (2014). Jealousy in relationships: The good and the bad. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 31(2), 210-230.
• Johnson, S. (2019). Emotionally focused couple therapy with trauma survivors: Strengthening attachment bonds. The Guilford Press.
• White, G. L., & Mullen, P. E. (2021). Jealousy: Theory, research, and clinical strategies. Springer.